To my mom

I'm writing this post for my mom, who has been struggling with the recent loss of her mom. I can't say that I know what she is going through, but I can empathize. I don't think it's ever easy to lose a mom... even when she has lived a long and full life. Death is always hard for the ones who are left behind - no matter when or how it occurs.

I think the only thing that makes such a loss harder is when your support system crumbles with it. You would think that death would be a time for families to come together in remembrance, love and support. After all, who could possibly understand the loss of mother more than one's own siblings? But sometimes death brings blame, fighting and selfishness. This has been the case for my mom who has increasingly felt like the load is too much to bear.

Over the past several weeks, I've thought a lot about what I could possibly say to her to lift her spirits. I am a woman of faith. My faith has sustained me through many great trials and is the backbone of all that I am. I don't believe that God will ever give us more than we can bear - but that doesn't mean that our trials won't be hard at times. Sometimes, He allows us to suffer in the hopes that we will turn to Him and learn that we need Him and that we must rely on Him always. It isn't enough to say, "Why Lord?" Instead we must learn to ask, "What am I to learn from this?" and "What is thy will, Lord?" I've learned that I have to admit that sometimes things surpass my understanding and I have to hand my will and my sorrows over to Him and then trust that He can make more of my life than I can on my own.

My greatest trial in life was most definitely when I lost my dad to violence. I was just barely 21and it almost ruined me. There were so many times that I thought it was more than I could bear and that I couldn't possibly go on. Things only started to turn around when I finally fell to my knees and handed it over to a loving Father in Heaven. I didn't understand why I was given such a horrendous trial, I only knew that it was time for me to start feeling happy again. I asked for help to find that. The answers came... but only when I was ready for them.

Bit by bit ... piece by piece. ... Over several years. But the despair was lifted much sooner... little by little, more and more as I continued to rely on Him and trust in His will and in His love for me.

I've decided - in honor of my family and my dad as well as for future generations and anyone else who might benefit from it - to write about my journey to forgiveness and what I learned and how I overcame the murder of my father. I don't talk about it often, but it is very much a part of who I am today - partially the loss but mostly the journey and what I have learned along the way.

In the meantime, I am posting the lyrics to a song that I love by JJ Heller. It is a piece of contemporary Christian music that speaks to how He IS there through our trials. I hope that it will bring comfort to my mom - who I love dearly - and anyone else who may need it.

Your Hands - JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands 

love,

Michelle Rene

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